A peek inside my mind

Last night, just before I sat down in front of the computer screen, a few thoughts came to my mind. As it was already late, with no one to talk to, I decided to write it down - in hope to get some of it off my heavy heart.

I first thought of one of my favorite quotes; “ I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship” , but some days, like yesterday, I was afraid...

I grew up fascinated with arts and crafts,technology, architecture, working with my hands and leading people.  I knew at an early stage I wanted to become an artist, but never dreamed of the possibility of combining all of the above mentioned in my lifestyle.

I loved taking my simple snapshot camera everywhere with me, snapping memories and close up details. I studied Graphic Design after school, enjoying arts in my free time, and expanded my knowledge with a CAD course afterwards – draughting. Whilst completing the CAD I had the opportunity to study photography part time at Limelife studio – Charlene    - she is a great mentor!

I don’t know if every person (especially artists) knew from early stages what they wanted to become, but I presume that there would have been some indication of interest or talent.

These days, it seems that 3 out of 10 people (OK, maybe I am exaggerating a bit) that have an entry level camera, opens a photography business. This forces me to reconsider if this is the lifestyle I was meant to follow? If so many people can do it, what used to be a form of art, what makes me unique from the rest? And do we really need the most expensive equipment to be seen as a professional? Does your effort and customer service really count, or just if you fit the public's pocket? So many questions! Bleh!

I don’t have a husband (yet!) that can help support me, this is how I have to make a living. I don’t have the option to have a peaceful mindset - if it doesn't work out, I just go back to my lifestyle before! – Nope! This isn't a hobby for me... this is who I am, or who I thought I was meant to be.

In my area I know 8 well satiated photographers, and that’s only the number of those I know off! Some are great inspirations and really offer to help without any intentions, but others - just downright sneaky! I made the decision to remove all the photographers in my area of my social media profiles. Seeing shoots they have done with my previous clients, friends or those who went photographer shopping- even using my possible ideas discussed – really gives my self-esteem a wack!

I mentioned on a previous status on Facebook that I am struggling with the perception that’s it is better to specify in a type of photography to master it, but I have too many interests to consider choosing a specific type. My passion will slowly die with boredom. On the other hand, trying to cater for every type is very stressful and gives me a low diagnose of anxiety! What about 2 or 3 types? In today’s economy and with all the competition, can I really make my brand a success?

I love working with kind clients; those who stay loyal and appreciate your effort -  shooting longer, giving more photos and thank you for your hard work.Those who understand you have a life aside of editing their photos or designs. They make you forget about all the negatives! Those who don’t, well, I guess you help me learn and keep me on my toes!

Before I started working full-time as an administrator, I already struggled with my busy lifestyle, managing to fit everything in during a week. I did a part time Pilates instructor course this year as well, as I believe in a healthy and fit lifestyle – that also needs some attention! I would love to become a well known instructor and fitness inspiration.

Now that I work from 8 – 5, exercising and being my own housekeeper – yes I wash the dishes, clothes and clean my own house! – I have to fit in my design and editing in between! I don’t even have time anymore for my hobbies involving arts. Oh, and don’t forget my social life, friends, family,for I am still only 23 and deeply in love… How do others maintain this crazy lifestyle?

I guess what I've learned that it’s really “everyman for himself” in this world. You are going to get hurt a lot thinking people have the same heart and thoughtfulness as you. Sometimes my heart is just to small to handle this business. I hope one day I will be able to fit the pieces of the puzzle together.

“ I will still put on a smile, because God has given me much more than I deserve ”

- Nenane